This Guy #7 continued...
For the next day or two one of us stayed in the doorway constantly watching the hallway. I for one was on the edge of throwing the door open and shooting almost every time I saw someone walk up that small hallway. Old ladies, the bellhop, even the cleaning service sparked a mini panic attack every time I looked out the peephole on the door. When I could actually sleep I had dreams of people seeing my eye in the peephole and shooting me through the door.
It wasn't much easier on Stet and Niklas either, we were all short with each other, Stet and I actually repeated our wrestling match from before. Niklas stopped us before we got too angry though, he was a good mediator. Stet was all adrenaline and testosterone, too geared up waiting for a threat to handle it calmly. He was probably just over-trained by the army, but they built killing machines welland he was no exception. I was worse, I constantly had nightmares whenever I slept, sometimes flashes of gore and violence would appear out of nowhere when I was awake too, but I didn't tell Niklas or Stet. I didn't think they qualified as hallucinations, since I knew they were just made up by the guilt and fear in my head.
It got to be too much though, I couldn't take the constant threat to my life, even if Stet and Niklas seemed to be doing ok. Stet was good at this, when it was his turn to watch the door he would make a little nest of blankets behind the door. After arranging it comfortably he would set both of our pistols close at hand, check to see if they were loaded then he set a small mirror under the door along the jamb. His view of the hallway probably wasn't as wide as if he used the fisheye peep, but after looking myself I had to agree no one could have walked up that hallway without being seen. Then he would sit there dead silent for six hours or so, just watching. I constantly checked to make sure he was awake, but his reply was always the same "Fuck off, stop distracting me.
Niklas just played with his computer, I was half convinced he spent the whole time looking at porn, but every time I was behind him all I could see was a screen full of numbers, sometimes in lines, sometimes in columns. If he caught me looking over his shoulder he would meet my gaze, close the top of his laptop and say "What?"
When I asked what he was doing, it was always a vague answer that I didn't understand. Suspicion of him was blooming in my mind, and I hated myself for it. I had got into this mess to save him, and now I was constantly weighing him in my mind as a liability. I felt constantly like I was betraying him and Stet both as my suspicions flared and roiled inside my mind. I watched them both constantly, watching over their shoulders as they watched the door, sometime creeping up to the bathroom door while they were showering or using the john to make sure they weren't making any phone calls. It got to be too much though, Stet finally noticed the stress I was under and called me on it.
"Dude, youre freaking out. It's not working, soon you're going to accuse one of us of being against you and we're all going to fall apart or kill each other." The calm way he sat there saying that to my face sent a chill up my spine. It was so close to what I had been feeling it was eerie.
"Shit." I took a long drag on my cigarette. "You're right. I'm so freaked out right now I can't sleep any more."
He just nodded which showed he was more in step with my current feelings than Niklas, who looked like he'd been shot. He was all pale and looking back and forth between the two of us.
"We gotta do something man, I can't keep waiting here." I needed an idea from one of them but they both didn't say anything.
Niklas eventually broke the silence, "We're just following you. You're more " He paused searching for the right word. "ruthless, than either of us." He winced a little as he said it, a slight apology.
"You just do what has to be done." Interrupted Stet. "You saw the hit man first and took him before it got dangerous. You set out looking for Sal and his asshole friends to pre-empt their strike, you even took down Wriggly when he turned on you." He looked down at the carpet, but his eyes looked angry rather than embarrassed.
"So?" I asked, shortly, right then I felt like punching Stet in the face.
"So?" Stet stood up and paced the room stopped and stared out the siding glass door of the porch. "So far you haven't asked anyone, just gone ahead and did what needed to be done." He turned and locked eyes with me. I could see now he was definitely angry, I just didn't get why.
"So?" I stood up as I said it, reacting to his anger like a threat, my whole body was tensed up and in a second I was going to charge him. Niklas was silent still, when I glared over at him, he met my gaze steadily, obviously he and Stet had been doing some talking.
"Ever since Wriggly, you've been sitting here freaking out." Niklas took over. "You're not sleeping, you smoke like 3 packs of cigarettes a day, you drank every fucking bottle in the mini bar." He waved his arms in the air and stood up too.
"What is this, a fucking intervention!" I yelled, clenching my fists and leaning towards him slightly.
"You just sitting here feeling sorry for yourself. You're waiting for Sal to burst through the door and kill you, or you kill him." he yelled back. "Or waiting to get paranoid enough to attack one of us, or shoot a cleaning lady." I winced as he said this, I thought maybe they hadn't noticed that.
Stet interrupted again "You want to get caught." it wasn't a question.
"What! Fuck that."
"No, seriously listen." Niklas forced himself to talk calmly, and turned back towards me. His eyes roamed the carpet as he tried to find the words.
"You're tired, you're scared. You had to kill a good friend of yours, at least someone you thought was a good friend, and it sapped your will." Stet's eyes met mine again , but this time they looked more sad than angry. Niklas continued "You're scared of what you're doing, and I can't say you're wrong to feel that way, but you're not in a normal situation. Right and wrong haven't applied yet, so far it's just been us or them. You've chosen to live up to now, but you're starting to waver. You're weakening and that means they're going to kill you. Kill us. You'll probably curse and fight at the end, but it'll be too late, you'll let them get too close, you'll do the work for them with your paranoia and fear, and when they shoot you you'll feel relieved that it's over."
"Listen, you brought us this far." Stet continued. "You had a plan, you had goals. Now, now you have nothing. You're just waiting for something to happen. You're not thinking anymore. That means you're going to lose, and that means we're going to lose too." His voice was soft, he was trying to reason with me and I knew it, but I was so angry I just wasn't getting what he was saying.
"If you don't get back in control soon, we're" he motioned to Niklas and himself "going to have to leave. We can't just sit here waiting to get killed, or for you to give up and shoot yourself."
I stared at him for a moment, then the pieces finally came together in my head. I knew what he was saying, and it was scary as hell but it made sense. I sat back down on the bed slowly, my legs felt like jelly and there was a tightness in my chest that was stopping my breath. What was I waiting for? I threw the question deep into my own head, but no answer came. I thought of the past few days, tried to make some sense of what I had been doing, but everything seemed disconnected. My eyes burned and I tried to rub away a tear that formed, but Stet grabbed my arms, shook me gently.
"Fucking let it go." He wasn't exactly yelling but his voice was raised. "You shot your friend. You killed him, even after he helped you. You tried to beat him to death with you're bare hands then you shot him because you didn't want him to betray you again!"
Niklas reached out and took my arm as I tried to push Stet away.
"You killed someone you knew this time. Someone you cared about, had a history with." I was crying now, I couldn'tt even summon the strength to fight back against them as my sobs broke out and wracked my body.
"It had to be done." Niklas added, his own voice husky, breaking slightly until he cleared his throat. "He was a fucking degenerate asshole that turned on you. It's us or them. So far you've chosen us, chosen life. Now if you give up, well it's all been for nothing, they, whoever they are win."
He squeezed my arm and Stet let go and sat on the other bed.
"We need you man. I need you. I'm over my head here, I could help you do whatever you needed, but I feel like a child looking around. Everything you've done so far has freaked me out and scared the piss out of me, but then it makes sense, only I never would have thought of it. Not on my own, I'm not good at being a criminal." He looked down, a little embarrassed maybe at his candidness.
Stet took over, "I don't know what the plan is. I could come up with one on my own, but so far everything I've thought of would have us in jail, or in an old western shoot out. I hate to say it but you've killed three people, by yourself and not left a single clue for the cops, or a connection to us. Fuck, you're good at this." He smiled a rough smile, slapped me on the arm. "You just have to get over this guilt thing. Wriggly tried to get you killed man, you and Niklas and me even. He didn't care about you, only the money and the drugs. You gotta get over it, or we're not going to survive."
I let my tears fall for a moment or two before I grabbed a tissue off the nightstand and blew my nose. I brushed the tears off with my sleeve and met Stet's gaze then Niklas' evenly in turn.
"Fuck, alright. You're right. I gotta get over it, and I will. I don't know what to do right now though. We've been riding this thing on pure luck so far, and now we need to plan, and I got nothing."
Niklas said. "For now we should get out of here, maybe get a room under a different name."
"Yeah, that's a good idea." I agreed. Then another idea hit me. "No wait, let's get out of hotels for a while. There's too much exposure, too many people around."
They both looked at me questioningly so I continued, "We're just sitting here like old cons in a Bogart movie, we need a house we can work out of, control the security of."
They exchanged glances then Stet gave Niklas a look, "You have any idea where we'll get something like that?"
"I know just the place." I realized I was grinning at them, I actually felt a swell of hope in my chest and while both of them sat there looking puzzled I just couldn't help breaking out laughing.
"I know just the place."
It wasn't much easier on Stet and Niklas either, we were all short with each other, Stet and I actually repeated our wrestling match from before. Niklas stopped us before we got too angry though, he was a good mediator. Stet was all adrenaline and testosterone, too geared up waiting for a threat to handle it calmly. He was probably just over-trained by the army, but they built killing machines welland he was no exception. I was worse, I constantly had nightmares whenever I slept, sometimes flashes of gore and violence would appear out of nowhere when I was awake too, but I didn't tell Niklas or Stet. I didn't think they qualified as hallucinations, since I knew they were just made up by the guilt and fear in my head.
It got to be too much though, I couldn't take the constant threat to my life, even if Stet and Niklas seemed to be doing ok. Stet was good at this, when it was his turn to watch the door he would make a little nest of blankets behind the door. After arranging it comfortably he would set both of our pistols close at hand, check to see if they were loaded then he set a small mirror under the door along the jamb. His view of the hallway probably wasn't as wide as if he used the fisheye peep, but after looking myself I had to agree no one could have walked up that hallway without being seen. Then he would sit there dead silent for six hours or so, just watching. I constantly checked to make sure he was awake, but his reply was always the same "Fuck off, stop distracting me.
Niklas just played with his computer, I was half convinced he spent the whole time looking at porn, but every time I was behind him all I could see was a screen full of numbers, sometimes in lines, sometimes in columns. If he caught me looking over his shoulder he would meet my gaze, close the top of his laptop and say "What?"
When I asked what he was doing, it was always a vague answer that I didn't understand. Suspicion of him was blooming in my mind, and I hated myself for it. I had got into this mess to save him, and now I was constantly weighing him in my mind as a liability. I felt constantly like I was betraying him and Stet both as my suspicions flared and roiled inside my mind. I watched them both constantly, watching over their shoulders as they watched the door, sometime creeping up to the bathroom door while they were showering or using the john to make sure they weren't making any phone calls. It got to be too much though, Stet finally noticed the stress I was under and called me on it.
"Dude, youre freaking out. It's not working, soon you're going to accuse one of us of being against you and we're all going to fall apart or kill each other." The calm way he sat there saying that to my face sent a chill up my spine. It was so close to what I had been feeling it was eerie.
"Shit." I took a long drag on my cigarette. "You're right. I'm so freaked out right now I can't sleep any more."
He just nodded which showed he was more in step with my current feelings than Niklas, who looked like he'd been shot. He was all pale and looking back and forth between the two of us.
"We gotta do something man, I can't keep waiting here." I needed an idea from one of them but they both didn't say anything.
Niklas eventually broke the silence, "We're just following you. You're more " He paused searching for the right word. "ruthless, than either of us." He winced a little as he said it, a slight apology.
"You just do what has to be done." Interrupted Stet. "You saw the hit man first and took him before it got dangerous. You set out looking for Sal and his asshole friends to pre-empt their strike, you even took down Wriggly when he turned on you." He looked down at the carpet, but his eyes looked angry rather than embarrassed.
"So?" I asked, shortly, right then I felt like punching Stet in the face.
"So?" Stet stood up and paced the room stopped and stared out the siding glass door of the porch. "So far you haven't asked anyone, just gone ahead and did what needed to be done." He turned and locked eyes with me. I could see now he was definitely angry, I just didn't get why.
"So?" I stood up as I said it, reacting to his anger like a threat, my whole body was tensed up and in a second I was going to charge him. Niklas was silent still, when I glared over at him, he met my gaze steadily, obviously he and Stet had been doing some talking.
"Ever since Wriggly, you've been sitting here freaking out." Niklas took over. "You're not sleeping, you smoke like 3 packs of cigarettes a day, you drank every fucking bottle in the mini bar." He waved his arms in the air and stood up too.
"What is this, a fucking intervention!" I yelled, clenching my fists and leaning towards him slightly.
"You just sitting here feeling sorry for yourself. You're waiting for Sal to burst through the door and kill you, or you kill him." he yelled back. "Or waiting to get paranoid enough to attack one of us, or shoot a cleaning lady." I winced as he said this, I thought maybe they hadn't noticed that.
Stet interrupted again "You want to get caught." it wasn't a question.
"What! Fuck that."
"No, seriously listen." Niklas forced himself to talk calmly, and turned back towards me. His eyes roamed the carpet as he tried to find the words.
"You're tired, you're scared. You had to kill a good friend of yours, at least someone you thought was a good friend, and it sapped your will." Stet's eyes met mine again , but this time they looked more sad than angry. Niklas continued "You're scared of what you're doing, and I can't say you're wrong to feel that way, but you're not in a normal situation. Right and wrong haven't applied yet, so far it's just been us or them. You've chosen to live up to now, but you're starting to waver. You're weakening and that means they're going to kill you. Kill us. You'll probably curse and fight at the end, but it'll be too late, you'll let them get too close, you'll do the work for them with your paranoia and fear, and when they shoot you you'll feel relieved that it's over."
"Listen, you brought us this far." Stet continued. "You had a plan, you had goals. Now, now you have nothing. You're just waiting for something to happen. You're not thinking anymore. That means you're going to lose, and that means we're going to lose too." His voice was soft, he was trying to reason with me and I knew it, but I was so angry I just wasn't getting what he was saying.
"If you don't get back in control soon, we're" he motioned to Niklas and himself "going to have to leave. We can't just sit here waiting to get killed, or for you to give up and shoot yourself."
I stared at him for a moment, then the pieces finally came together in my head. I knew what he was saying, and it was scary as hell but it made sense. I sat back down on the bed slowly, my legs felt like jelly and there was a tightness in my chest that was stopping my breath. What was I waiting for? I threw the question deep into my own head, but no answer came. I thought of the past few days, tried to make some sense of what I had been doing, but everything seemed disconnected. My eyes burned and I tried to rub away a tear that formed, but Stet grabbed my arms, shook me gently.
"Fucking let it go." He wasn't exactly yelling but his voice was raised. "You shot your friend. You killed him, even after he helped you. You tried to beat him to death with you're bare hands then you shot him because you didn't want him to betray you again!"
Niklas reached out and took my arm as I tried to push Stet away.
"You killed someone you knew this time. Someone you cared about, had a history with." I was crying now, I couldn'tt even summon the strength to fight back against them as my sobs broke out and wracked my body.
"It had to be done." Niklas added, his own voice husky, breaking slightly until he cleared his throat. "He was a fucking degenerate asshole that turned on you. It's us or them. So far you've chosen us, chosen life. Now if you give up, well it's all been for nothing, they, whoever they are win."
He squeezed my arm and Stet let go and sat on the other bed.
"We need you man. I need you. I'm over my head here, I could help you do whatever you needed, but I feel like a child looking around. Everything you've done so far has freaked me out and scared the piss out of me, but then it makes sense, only I never would have thought of it. Not on my own, I'm not good at being a criminal." He looked down, a little embarrassed maybe at his candidness.
Stet took over, "I don't know what the plan is. I could come up with one on my own, but so far everything I've thought of would have us in jail, or in an old western shoot out. I hate to say it but you've killed three people, by yourself and not left a single clue for the cops, or a connection to us. Fuck, you're good at this." He smiled a rough smile, slapped me on the arm. "You just have to get over this guilt thing. Wriggly tried to get you killed man, you and Niklas and me even. He didn't care about you, only the money and the drugs. You gotta get over it, or we're not going to survive."
I let my tears fall for a moment or two before I grabbed a tissue off the nightstand and blew my nose. I brushed the tears off with my sleeve and met Stet's gaze then Niklas' evenly in turn.
"Fuck, alright. You're right. I gotta get over it, and I will. I don't know what to do right now though. We've been riding this thing on pure luck so far, and now we need to plan, and I got nothing."
Niklas said. "For now we should get out of here, maybe get a room under a different name."
"Yeah, that's a good idea." I agreed. Then another idea hit me. "No wait, let's get out of hotels for a while. There's too much exposure, too many people around."
They both looked at me questioningly so I continued, "We're just sitting here like old cons in a Bogart movie, we need a house we can work out of, control the security of."
They exchanged glances then Stet gave Niklas a look, "You have any idea where we'll get something like that?"
"I know just the place." I realized I was grinning at them, I actually felt a swell of hope in my chest and while both of them sat there looking puzzled I just couldn't help breaking out laughing.
"I know just the place."
posted by Goodkingalan | 5:23 AM
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